ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize