Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
