I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
what day is it and did you see me today?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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