Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
