peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Someone shit on the floor
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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