I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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