Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
