Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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