somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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