i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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