dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize