I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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