Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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