i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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