Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
