My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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