Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
