Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
