guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
