Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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