My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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