we have pet lesbian snakes
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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