I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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