You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
