Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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