I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
