I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
