Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
