im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
