dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
