Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
