My ATM looks so different sober.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
