I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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