Just cropdusted the office
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize