Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
