I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
