Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
