My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
