You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my sisters under your porch take her home
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
