I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
