roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
