just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
