im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
