You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
