I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
smell my finger.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
