my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
