i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
