I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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