Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she told me i tasted like america
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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