I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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