So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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