sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
