She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
