Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
