I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
