Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
