You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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