God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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