He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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