recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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