I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
